Please Excuse the Mess

Have you ever been driving and had a bug hit your windshield? You know, right in your line of sight? or where it's obviously there, but you can still see?
I was driving with my sister the other day and she wanted to take a picture of the sunrise. She took the picture through my windshield which I wish was clean, but isn't. It seems as if as soon as I clean my windshield, it just gets nasty almost instantly. As she took the picture, I told her not to take it with the dead bug mess right in the middle of the picture. Please excuse the mess. Usually that's what I would put on something like this picture please excuse the mess but if I'm being honest I just don't want to deal with the mess. My aunt often says the phrase "well, that'll preach." As I was looking at this picture that my sister took, I thought "well, that will preach." 

How often do we say "please excuse the mess?" However, in reality I need to admit there is a mess and come to terms with it. I need to call the mess out.

In this image, Jesus' love is the Sun. It's bright, illuminating the earth. His love is so pure and untainted. Then, I happen, my mess happens and then this view of Jesus' pure love is tainted. His love hasn't changed. My mess blocks the view. It blocks the view for me. I can't see the goodness and pureness of the love the father has for me when I'm so distracted by the mess. Instead of dealing with it, I try to look through it or ignore it. 

Not only does my mess affect me, it affects the other people in my life and it affects people that I don't even have regular contact with. When you're driving, and bug splats right in your line of sight, you want that bug gone. Often, I will try my wipers and if it doesn't work, then I just leave it. If you are distracted and preoccupied with the bug, you are doing a disservice to yourself, your passengers and other people on the road.
You may be preoccupied trying to cleaning your windshield off or stopping at a gas station to clean your windshield. Other people in your car might be affected by the time it takes to clean your windshield. However, I think they would be more affected by your distractedness trying to ignore the bug even though it is blocking your sight. Who knows, maybe they would even get out of the car and help you clean the mess up. We have to be willing to deal with the mess. That is the only way that there can be redemption and restoration. The mess is not blocking us from Jesus. Jesus' love for us does not change for us, but it is blocking our perception of his love. He will forgive you, you gave his life for you, his heart is broken from my sin and the mess that is the consequence. He doesn't want me to be distracted. He wants me to clearly see his bright, pure love.  It's illuminating the world around me. He wants to illuminate me, but I have to participate. Just like cleaning up the bug, I have to make the decision to deal with the mess. I have to do something in my car to do with the mess or I need to stop to clean up the mess. After I deal with it, my windshield is clear and clean. I always enjoy the feeling of a clean windshield.
God wants to restore. God wants to restore us. God wants to restore creation but we have to choose to participate. We have to choose to stop, to deal with the mess and to do the hard work of dealing with our sin and the consequences. And he's right there the whole time. Jesus is giving us the resources. You and I have to choose to use them. The grace that goes before us and that encompasses us, will work alongside what we are doing to make steps towards restoration. God will restore you. He will help you clean up the mess. You will see the bright light again. You'll see it in you, through you, around you and even in creation. 

Just as you are.

"You are good and whole just as you are."

These words have been playing over and over in my head for the past two weeks.

My family are some of the best people in this world. When I have the opportunity to be with them, I want to soak up the time for as long as possible. Now that my time is shorter and more sparse, I value the time I get so deeply. A few weeks ago I was home and got to go to my Uncle's surprise party. After the party, some of my family was gathering at my Aunt and Uncle's house for a little while. I went for an hour...which turned into four:) Right before I left, my cousin asked the age old question, "What is the boy situation?" After some conversation, lots of laughter and story telling, it was time for me to hit the road. Before I left, my aunt asked to pray over me. Circled up in the living room, my aunt, uncle, mom, stepdad and 3 cousins prayed for me. I am SO thankful to be a part of a praying family. As I said my goodbyes, one of my cousins hugged me tight as he always does. He said these words, "You are good and whole just as you are. It will happen in time."

Before someone thinks I have been withholding information from them...I do not have a boyfriend up here:)

I often tell people that they are good, loved, enough and worthy. I fully believe it for them. Sometimes it is hard for me to believe that for myself. I know it is true, but sometimes it just does not feel that way. I needed to hear those words, "You are good and whole just as you are."

I desire to be married someday. Whether that happens or not, I want to desire God more. I want to find myself in a place of contentment with the Father whether it's just him and I forever or someone else comes in the picture. Our Father is so so good. He desires a deep relationship with us. I want my relationship with him to be the foundation of my life and the relationships in my life.

I am thankful for a family that wants to know about my life, offers me advice, prays for me and reminds me who I am.

Maybe you need to hear these words today.
YOU are GOOD and WHOLE, JUST as YOU are.

For I have called you, listen for MY voice.

Recently, I was listening to my best friend's sermon. She was speaking about Mary and Joseph in the Christmas story. At one point, she was telling a story about how God spoke to her mom as she was going through a battle with cancer. It reminded me of my experience of hearing God's voice and how that has unfolded over the past year. I had to stop and really recognize how faithful the Lord has been to me over the past year.

In January 2016, I particpated in a medical outreach trip in the mountains of Nepal. It was peaceful and beautiful. I had wrapped up my career as a full time student a month prior to this trip. I did not know what I was going to do, where I was going to live or how I was going to live into what I felt called to do. One of the guys on our trip was studying Psalm 46 on this trip so I too began reading it. "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 really stuck out to me.
One morning before medical camp begin, I took a little walk down the path. There were some church opportunities availble for me to explore, I could move to Nepal or move home. Moving home was my last option, yet it was what I felt like I needed to do. I had a plan for ministry in my hometown. I knew what I was going to do, but it was not going to be an overnight project. I needed a job in the meantime. Different opportunities came across my path, but nothing felt right. Some things seemed perfect and others did not understand why I was not jumping on some of these options. I just knew in my gut that it was not right. As I was walking, I felt the Lord say to me, "For I have called you, listen for MY voice." I knew it was going to be okay. I just had to figure out what His voice was calling me to. Over the next nine months, His voice was not clearly leading me anywhere. Every opportunity felt wrong so I was just waiting.

Tuesday or Wednesday: I was joking with my best friend that lives in Nebraska about her moving back to Kansas. She through it out that I could just move there. Usually I turn that down pretty quick, but this particular day I said "Talk to the big man about it, I'm actually not so against it anymore."

Friday: I decided to fast lunch at work. I heard a Pastor say that her senior year of college, she fasted on Friday's to pray about her future. I had never done it, because I did not want to be hungry. This specific day I decided to try it. I read a passage that I had not read before, one that I had read in a footnote the week before and had not gotten around to reading. I wrote down all the things on my mind and my hope next to them. I wanted to move back to Lee's Summit. I missed my community there. I also wanted to open the coffee shop in Spring Hill I had always dreamed of. My future was just unclear. As I finished reading 2 Samuel 12:1-25, I really felt the Lord speaking to me. Verses 15-23 really grabbed my attention. It is so weird to me that this is the story the Lord used as a child dies. It really is not happy and encouraging.
Verses 22-23 read: David replied, "I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, 'Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.' But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me."

I really felt like the Lord was telling me that I needed to give him all of me. Holding back was not the answer. My wants and desires needed to be given to him fully, Jesus wants all of me.

Then the text message came...on SATURDAY.

The lead pastor of a church in Fremont, Nebraska was wondering if I was interested in talking with them about Children's ministry. Fremont? Wher is that? Nebraska? No, thank you. Yet, something happened inside of me. I knew I was probably moving here. I set up a time to go up for an interview and Satan began working hard. I had severe anxiety about coming up. I almost cancelled on the morning I was supposed to leave for my intervew. The week after I interviewed was so emotional. I cried every day, multiple times a day. I was wrestling hard. I spent 9 months living with my siblings. We spent every afternoon together during school and most of the summer together. I read the bible with them and prayed. We ate meals, played and learned together. My mom and I restored a broken relationship. I got to spend more time with my dad and brother. I got to know my step dad and step brother better. I loved the kids that I worked with at my job. Things were going well at church. I did not want to leave, yet I knew that I could not stay.
I had coffee with my aunt the day I had to give an answer to the Pastor. She said, "what's the best thing that could happen?" "I love it there and things work out well."  "And the worst thing that could happen?" I said, "I won't be here for Jenna and Logan." The Lord asked me, "Do you love me more than you love them?" I knew the answer should be yes, I wanted the answer to be yes, but it did not feel like the answer was yes. I decided that I had to entrust them to the Lord. I had to give him my losses, fears, hopes and dreams. A few hours later, I accepted the opportunity to join the staff at Fremont Nazarene Church.

As I look back over the 9 months of living at home, what a blessing they were. The Lord used this time to heal broken relationships, strengthen relationships with my family and renew my heart for ministry. It was a time of waiting, yet it was a time of rest. He knew exactly what I needed. If I would have gone straight into a full time ministry role, I do not know that I would have lasted. I was tired. I needed time to rest and to heal. My aunt helped me to see these things recently as we looked back over this journey since my last semester of my undergrad. At the time, I could not forsee the blessing moving home would be. Now, I am so thankful for my words from the Lord in January of 2016. I am thankful that God called me, he reminded me of my calling and he was faithful to fulfill his words to me. His ways are not always the most comfortable or as fast as I would like them to be. They are usually a lot different than my plan. Though, Fremont, Nebraska is not where I thought I would be living; I am so thankful that the Lord strengthened and encouraged me to be patient in my waiting to hear his voice call me.

Friends that are graduating college soon, already graduated or in a period of transition: I know there is so much pressure to know what you're going to do with your life. I know that some of your friends will soon have jobs lined up and that's wonderful if it happens that way. If you are graduating and waiting on direction, that is okay. If you work a job that is not your ultimate goal, that's alright. Work it, look for ways the Lord is at work and use that as your mission field. Do not settle and give up, but be patient in the waiting. The Lord may be shaping your dreams and desires or preparing you for the next step. Whatever it may be, the Lord is at work even if you do not see it. Work as if you are working for the Lord, not for man.

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

The Lord is good and he will be faithful to guide you. Be still, rest, heal, keep moving forward and listen for the voice of God to lead you in his will.

Give us this day, our daily bread

Give us this day, our daily bread. 

"Thank you, didi" I heard 13 times in 30 seconds as we sat together in the study room. These children are so well mannered, so this is a phrase we hear regularly. However, this time it stirred something different inside of me. 

I don't travel without sour gummy worms, it's pretty much tradition to bring them to Nepal. When we pulled them out of the bag to share, the children just sat still. They did not fight to be first or even assume that it was for them. As we called each by name and asked if they wanted one, they said yes as they cupped their hands out in front of them. As the gummy worm hit each little set of hands, the words "thank you, didi" were quickly said. It was interesting as we watched each child carefully and slowly eat their candy. How often I grab a couple gummy worms and pop them in my mouth within a matter of seconds. The children savored it as big smiles were plastered across their face. When they finished, they continued smiling and playing. Nobody assumed they would get another one or felt entitled to our snacks. We began calling them by name and offering another to them. Again, "thank you, didi" was said through a big smile. 

I am constantly learning about the Lord and myself when I spend time with these sweet children. 

I wonder what would happen if I approached the Lord the way these kids did with our gummy worms. If I sat quietly, watching him, waiting patiently. They know that we always share our candy with them, but they did not assume they were theirs to grab. 

As the Lord offers me gifts, do I graciously cup my hands out before him, quickly offering thanks when I receive it? or am I quick to want more than he gave or something different than he offered me? 

Do I savor the gifts and respond with joy as a I experience them?

Am I patiently waiting in joyful anticipation for the next gift? or am I demanding more before others even get a chance to experience the first one?

May I take a posture of thanksgiving, patience and joy. 

May I receive my daily bread with a heart of praise, trusting that the Lord will provide tomorrow's daily bread in his time. 

It's a Who, Not a Where.

       Three years ago, I had the opportunity to intern at a church in Lees Summit called New Beginnings Church of the Nazarene. When I began interning, I had no idea how this place was going to affect me. I knew about 10 people when I began attending and interning. My aunt was a Pastor on staff, so her and my uncle were counted in that 10. About five months after being there, my aunt transitioned into a different role that was no longer at New Beginnings. Honestly, it was really hard at first, but these people worked really hard to make me feel like I was part of them. I “left” New Beginnings in January. I was just shy of being there for three years. 

        I have realized in recent days, hours actually, that New Beginnings is not a place you can leave. Sure, I left the pastoral staff and regular attendance in the physical building. However, New Beginnings is a people, not a place. They are a body that does not exclude and calls you theirs even if you are not physically present in the daily functions. I have known these people are not normal (in the best way possible), but today showed it to me even more. I told a few people today that the way the entire body of the church offers pastoral care is not normal. One of the most beautiful things is that they have no idea. One person said, "It's not?" Another said, "What else would we do?" It is ingrained into the fabric of who they are. It inspires me.

I see New Beginnings as a people who:

·         Took in a college kid and made it known to her that she was family.

·         Follows Jesus and seeks to give him space to work in and through them.

·         Serves the neighborhood.

·         Value children and youth as vital parts of the Church body.

·         Offer care to those who are sick and hurting.

·         Throw baby showers, wedding showers and celebrations for people who need to be celebrated!

·         Offer to watch each other’s children and live into the fullness of community.

·         Gathered in a hospital room this morning and offered presence as a grieving mother told her daughters that their dad passed away. They remained there until mom was ready to leave.

·         Walked in front of, behind and beside the grieving mom as she walked out of the hospital for the first time into a new normal.

·         Immediately began organizing and working to offer care to this family in the coming days—without missing a beat.

·         Took on the job of pulling together the graduation parties for  mom and two daughters this weekend.

·         Have offered to clean toilets, mow yards and prepare meals.

·         Gathered as a body this evening and lifted the family up in prayer.

·         Strap their baby on the front of them as they kneel at the altar and pray.

·         Return to the altar to pray with a seven year old as he kneels following the example his mom set before him.

·         Believe in the power of prayer.

These are people that follow Jesus, love fiercely, serve passionately and give selflessly. I'm honored to be a part of this family called New Beginnings. My heart is broken, sad and grieving with the family that lost their dad/husband unexpectedly this morning. At the same time, I am overwhelmed with thankfulness for the people that are willing to hold this family in their arms and carry them through these dark and difficult days.

Please keep Michelle, McKenzie, Mikayla, Christen, Emily and Luke in your prayers as they mourn the loss of dad/husband, Patrick.

There is Light in the Darkness

This past week has been filled with high anxiety. I am honestly not sure what is triggering the anxiety, but it has been more prevalent than ever before. I have felt really challenged to continually give it to the Lord. It has not been magic, it has not gone away, but I do know the Creator hears me when I talk to him. Anxiety is based in fear. I have a lot of fears. I have fear of the present, of the future, over silly things and things that greatly affect my life. It is a daily battle to give my fear to the Lord. I do not think my fears have changed this week, but I do know that I am physically feeling the affects of that fear this week. I have been holding tightly to the scripture found in 2 Timothy 1:7 that reads, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." This scripture holds so much encouragement for me.

As I was making space on my phone today (which seems to be a daily task), I stumbled upon a note I had made a couple months ago. At New Beginnings, I had the privilege of serving with our youth. These teens are some of the best people I know and I cannot wait to see the ways the Lord continues to lead them. They have shaped and formed me more than they will ever know. The note was from a night of conversation with them. I do not remember who was speaking that night and what exactly we were talking about. I do, however, remember exactly what I felt when she said it. 

My note read:

What does it mean to you when you hear the phrase "Jesus bring us from death to life when we accept him."

One of our sweet sixth graders response was what I needed today.

She said, "It means he makes the dark days a little lighter." 

Praise God that the dark days are not pitch black. They may be dark, but the Lord does not walk away. He does not abandon us. Sometimes it feels like there is a pile of rocks covering the hole, but if I look for the light, it's there. It might be coming through a tiny slit between the rocks, but without fail it is always there. It may come through a smile, the sound of kids laughing, encouragement from a friend, sunshine, flowers blooming or a good cup of coffee and a book. I think sometimes I forget to look. When you are looking for something, there is always a chance it won't be there or it will not look like how I want it to. Seeking and looking for something wholeheartedly brings you to this place of trusting that it will follow through. Maybe it is hard to believe there is light because that one person who promised they would never leave, is the same person who is constantly falling through on their word. This week I am choosing to posture myself in a place that is seeking the light and trusting that it's there even when I do not feel it.

Though I often forget, Jesus is not like that. When I am seeking Jesus and trusting that he will be there, then "he makes the dark days a little lighter."

Be still.

Silence. I don't like it much when I am alone. It's uncomfortable. It's vulnerable. It's necessary.

 I recently heard someone say that silence is not created. Silence exists always we just have to find it. This has really had me thinking. I choose not to find the silence because I do not like to be alone with myself...but I'm working on it. This semester I am taking a class called Spiritual Formation. We practice a few minutes of silence each time we start class. It was really hard at first, but it has progressively gotten easier. Today, I saw the fruit of this practice.

We went to the arboretum today for class. We got a little handout that gave some tips to help us focus on silence and then our professor sent us on our way. At first, we all walked together in one giant clump talking. However, once we came to a fork in the road we had a choice and the group split. I started walking to the right because one of my friends said that there was a waterfall and I enjoy looking at waterfalls so why not. On our way to the waterfall I was just praying that I would be able to focus, be still and hear the Lord. Once we got to the waterfall we talked for a second and then it was just like the Spirit of God fell on that place...at least that's how it felt for me.



I just stood there breathing, listening and staring at the water. I could see myself in the waterfall. I could see myself as the water just constantly moving and going, making a path wherever I go and flowing over things. I also see myself as the rock. I'm just sitting there in the same spot  and the weight of the world, the water, just keeps pouring over me. I'm soaked, starting to be worn away in some places and I'm just there. On the handout we got, it  had this little section with scripture on it. Psalm 46:10 says "Be still and know that I am God." Each time you read it you take away one word. I started taking a deep breath and whispering:
Be still and know that I am God.
Be still and know that I am.
Be still and know that I.
Be still and know that.
Be still and know.
Be still and.
Be still.
Be.

In a matter of seconds my perspective was changed. I have been self absorbed to the point that I could not even think outside of myself when I was looking at the waterfall. Both comparisons put poor little me as the subject. In this moment, I felt like God was saying you are the rock but look at me. You. are. not. looking. at. ME.

I am the rock, we are the rocks in this waterfall of life.  BUT God is the water. My eyes have been so focused on the worldly things, the things that are dragging me down and tearing me up.  But the Lord is asking me to keep my eyes on him, to be still and know that HE is God. The water is love, grace and mercy that flows out of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. I can keep my eyes on the things of this world or I can choose to look at the one who is already covering me with his love. When I focus on the worldly things as the water, I see the places that the rocks are eroding as brokenness and hopelessness. When I see the water as God flowing over me, I see the places where the rock has eroded as transformation and healing of the broken places. My heart left this place filled with peace and joy.

Today, hear these words from our Lord :: Be still and know that I am God.