Recently, I was listening to my best friend's sermon. She was speaking about Mary and Joseph in the Christmas story. At one point, she was telling a story about how God spoke to her mom as she was going through a battle with cancer. It reminded me of my experience of hearing God's voice and how that has unfolded over the past year. I had to stop and really recognize how faithful the Lord has been to me over the past year.
In January 2016, I particpated in a medical outreach trip in the mountains of Nepal. It was peaceful and beautiful. I had wrapped up my career as a full time student a month prior to this trip. I did not know what I was going to do, where I was going to live or how I was going to live into what I felt called to do. One of the guys on our trip was studying Psalm 46 on this trip so I too began reading it. "Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10 really stuck out to me.
One morning before medical camp begin, I took a little walk down the path. There were some church opportunities availble for me to explore, I could move to Nepal or move home. Moving home was my last option, yet it was what I felt like I needed to do. I had a plan for ministry in my hometown. I knew what I was going to do, but it was not going to be an overnight project. I needed a job in the meantime. Different opportunities came across my path, but nothing felt right. Some things seemed perfect and others did not understand why I was not jumping on some of these options. I just knew in my gut that it was not right. As I was walking, I felt the Lord say to me, "For I have called you, listen for MY voice." I knew it was going to be okay. I just had to figure out what His voice was calling me to. Over the next nine months, His voice was not clearly leading me anywhere. Every opportunity felt wrong so I was just waiting.
Tuesday or Wednesday: I was joking with my best friend that lives in Nebraska about her moving back to Kansas. She through it out that I could just move there. Usually I turn that down pretty quick, but this particular day I said "Talk to the big man about it, I'm actually not so against it anymore."
Friday: I decided to fast lunch at work. I heard a Pastor say that her senior year of college, she fasted on Friday's to pray about her future. I had never done it, because I did not want to be hungry. This specific day I decided to try it. I read a passage that I had not read before, one that I had read in a footnote the week before and had not gotten around to reading. I wrote down all the things on my mind and my hope next to them. I wanted to move back to Lee's Summit. I missed my community there. I also wanted to open the coffee shop in Spring Hill I had always dreamed of. My future was just unclear. As I finished reading 2 Samuel 12:1-25, I really felt the Lord speaking to me. Verses 15-23 really grabbed my attention. It is so weird to me that this is the story the Lord used as a child dies. It really is not happy and encouraging.
Verses 22-23 read: David replied, "I fasted and wept while the child was alive, for I said, 'Perhaps the Lord will be gracious to me and let the child live.' But why should I fast when he is dead? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him one day, but he cannot return to me."
I really felt like the Lord was telling me that I needed to give him all of me. Holding back was not the answer. My wants and desires needed to be given to him fully, Jesus wants all of me.
Then the text message came...on SATURDAY.
The lead pastor of a church in Fremont, Nebraska was wondering if I was interested in talking with them about Children's ministry. Fremont? Wher is that? Nebraska? No, thank you. Yet, something happened inside of me. I knew I was probably moving here. I set up a time to go up for an interview and Satan began working hard. I had severe anxiety about coming up. I almost cancelled on the morning I was supposed to leave for my intervew. The week after I interviewed was so emotional. I cried every day, multiple times a day. I was wrestling hard. I spent 9 months living with my siblings. We spent every afternoon together during school and most of the summer together. I read the bible with them and prayed. We ate meals, played and learned together. My mom and I restored a broken relationship. I got to spend more time with my dad and brother. I got to know my step dad and step brother better. I loved the kids that I worked with at my job. Things were going well at church. I did not want to leave, yet I knew that I could not stay.
I had coffee with my aunt the day I had to give an answer to the Pastor. She said, "what's the best thing that could happen?" "I love it there and things work out well." "And the worst thing that could happen?" I said, "I won't be here for Jenna and Logan." The Lord asked me, "Do you love me more than you love them?" I knew the answer should be yes, I wanted the answer to be yes, but it did not feel like the answer was yes. I decided that I had to entrust them to the Lord. I had to give him my losses, fears, hopes and dreams. A few hours later, I accepted the opportunity to join the staff at Fremont Nazarene Church.
As I look back over the 9 months of living at home, what a blessing they were. The Lord used this time to heal broken relationships, strengthen relationships with my family and renew my heart for ministry. It was a time of waiting, yet it was a time of rest. He knew exactly what I needed. If I would have gone straight into a full time ministry role, I do not know that I would have lasted. I was tired. I needed time to rest and to heal. My aunt helped me to see these things recently as we looked back over this journey since my last semester of my undergrad. At the time, I could not forsee the blessing moving home would be. Now, I am so thankful for my words from the Lord in January of 2016. I am thankful that God called me, he reminded me of my calling and he was faithful to fulfill his words to me. His ways are not always the most comfortable or as fast as I would like them to be. They are usually a lot different than my plan. Though, Fremont, Nebraska is not where I thought I would be living; I am so thankful that the Lord strengthened and encouraged me to be patient in my waiting to hear his voice call me.
Friends that are graduating college soon, already graduated or in a period of transition: I know there is so much pressure to know what you're going to do with your life. I know that some of your friends will soon have jobs lined up and that's wonderful if it happens that way. If you are graduating and waiting on direction, that is okay. If you work a job that is not your ultimate goal, that's alright. Work it, look for ways the Lord is at work and use that as your mission field. Do not settle and give up, but be patient in the waiting. The Lord may be shaping your dreams and desires or preparing you for the next step. Whatever it may be, the Lord is at work even if you do not see it. Work as if you are working for the Lord, not for man.
"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10
The Lord is good and he will be faithful to guide you. Be still, rest, heal, keep moving forward and listen for the voice of God to lead you in his will.
